Got a phone call from the doctor’s office asking if I can come back in the following week for some more images and possibly an ultrasound on my right breast. I made the appointment for next Thursday. I hung up and tears fell from my eyes. I called a friend, but she didn’t answer so I called back again. She had recently went through the same thing. Thank YHWH it was just a cyst in her.
After freaking out and hanging up I allowed myself to cry for a few minutes because like everything else in my life I had someone more important to take care of at that moment. Putting my feelings on hold has always been my way. As a child I use to cry a lot, earning me the nickname, “Cry Baby.” I would tell my mom my brothers kept picking on me. Her response was, “you need to grow some thick skin” so I did or so I thought. I just stopped crying in front of people and kept my pain to myself. Unfortunately, to some people that makes me seem uncaring and hard. It is what it is. So reaching out to my friend even at this age is hard for me to do. When my kids were young I used to say I was going to have a nervous breakdown once they left home, but only if I had someone to take care of me. I never found anyone to take care of me. I still don’t to this day so getting a more severe diagnosis cares me. It really scares me because there will be no one there to take care of me.
Why am I being so dramatic? The short of it is I never got over my mother dying of cancer. I saw what it did to her. No one should die like that. My aunt who never had any problems before nor in her family went through chemo and radiation for breast cancer just last year. A woman I know is going through the same thing right now for breast cancer.
I Need to Talk to You
After all of that I had a short talk with YHWH. Then I opened my bible to Psalm 29 and read about the voice of YHWH. I reached the last two verses and it said,
“…YHWH sits enthroned as king forever! May YHWH give strength to his people! May YHWH bless his people with shalom!”
At that moment I needed all the strength I could get. And I recently learned shalom meant more than just peace. It means having things in their proper order, balanced, not out of place. Well, right now my body is out of balance and I sure do need shalom in it.
I continued to read Psalm 30 and it’s filled with hope. YHWH is a God who hears and answers when His children call on Him and right now I was calling on Him to totally heal me. You see, this is not the first time I’ve gone through this.
A psalm. A song for the dedication of the house. By David: I will exalt you, YHWH, because you drew me up; you didn’t let my enemies rejoice over me. YHWH my God, I cried out to you, and you provided healing for me. YHWH, you lifted me up from Sh’ol; you kept me alive when I was sinking into a pit. Sing praise to YHWH, you faithful of his; and give thanks on recalling his holiness. For his anger is momentary, but his favor lasts a lifetime. Tears may linger for the night, but with dawn come cries of joy. Once I was prosperous and used to say, that nothing could ever shake me when you showed me favor, YHWH, I was firm as a mighty mountain. But when you hid your face, I was struck with terror. I called to you, YHWH; to YHWH I pleaded for mercy: “What advantage is there in my death, in my going down to the pit? Can the dust praise you? Can it proclaim your truth? Hear me, YHWH, and show me your favor! YHWH, be my helper!” You turned my mourning into dancing! You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, so that my well-being can praise you and not be silent; YHWH my God, I will thank you forever!
He Speaks Even in Dreams
Then I’m reminded of a dream I had where this man told me loved me. I told him I didn’t even know him like that. So I went away. A little while later I came back. He was leaving and this over whelming emotion came over me. I didn’t want to lose him. I loved him. I felt it all through my body. Tears welled up and I was wrecked with sadness of him leaving. All I could do was whisper, “I need to talk to you.” He heard me a block away and came back to me.
God hears me even when no one else does. He hears me even when I’m wrecked with emotions and can barely talk. Why should I be scared when I have Him? Why should I cry? Because I am still a human having a human experience.
I feel like Mary who ran to meet Jesus, who was on his way to her house after Lazarus died. She fell at his feet crying. Even though Mary could no longer speak out loud, her heart was talking for her. I believe her heart cried out, “My Lord, my Master. I’m so glad you’re here. I know everything is going to be all right now. It’s so good to see you. Please forgive me, but right now my heart is broken. I know you can raise Lazarus from the dead. I know you can do it now too. I don’t doubt who you are or what you can do. But the last few days have been hard. Just allow me this time to hurt. Allow these emotions to run their course. I’ll be okay now that you’re here. I love you. I trust you. Thank you for coming. Thank you for showing up because everyone else thought you wouldn’t. I knew you would come because you love us. You have never let us down. You are awesome. Thank you.”
Stand In Spite Of
Several hours later, my ex-husband sends me a video because he thought I might like it. What video? “Stand” by Donnie McClurkin. “When there’s nothing left to do, you just stand and watch the Lord see you through…God has a purpose for you. He has a plan.” So what’s going through my mind? Maybe I’ll get bad news and if I do I can’t bow, bend, give up or give in. I must hold on and be strong. “God will stand in. It won’t be long.”
My friend asked me to write down how I was feeling. She said it would be therapeutic. My reply, “But I don’t express my feelings well. I am a technical writer.”
“Just write,” she said.
“I’m telling you, I don’t like to be emotional in front of people, let alone put it on paper for everyone to read.”
I thought it over obviously and I wrote. I’m not sure if this is what she expected. I’m not even sure if anyone else will understand without calling me weak in faith. All I know is I am who I am. At the end of all of my tears and trying not to let anxiety rule me again, I always end up going back to what I know.
This is what I know – only YHWH has the final say-so over my life, not doctors, not diseases, not my enemies, not terrorists, or anything or anybody else. Only He can decide whether today or another day is my last day on earth. So I will do as the song says. No matter the outcome, I will stand and trust in YHWH to bring me complete healing in this life. He said if I trust in Him I will not be ashamed. He is not a man that He should lie nor the son of man that He should repent. He is YHWH Elohim, Creator of all I see and don’t see, all I know and understand and don’t know and understand. He is the one who sent Yeshua, who healed everyone who came to him. Yeshua makes intercession for me daily so I know he’s already taken my case before the Father, the Great I Am and the King of the universe. So with that I shout with the angels, “Holy, holy, holy is YHWH Elohim the Lord of Hosts, who was, who is, and who is coming.”