Sometimes, we go through things and don’t know how we will ever get through them. Other times we go through things without realizing that we are going through them. For example, every year around the same time I would get sick. Normally, I would end up in the hospital because I could not breathe correctly. After going through this for some years, a friend of mine said, “You know Dawn, you get sick every time this year.”
“No I don’t,” I replied to her.
“Yeah, you do. You have all kinds of health issues until around February. Then you get better. Think about it,” she said.
So I did. I sat down and thought about it. Then she said, “This is the time your mom got sick. You get better after her memorial.”
I thought some more and realized she was right. I had not properly dealt with my mother’s death. I was angry with her for dying. I was angry with God for letting her die. I was angry and hurt all the time. I had unresolved issues with her and wanted some answers. Answers that I would never get now. I thought I had more time with her, but I didn’t so I spent years reliving the pain I felt inside during the whole process of my mother’s sickness and eventual death. I spent even more years rebelling against God for allowing it to happen.
So I tried to deal with it and found that I got a little better every year during that time frame, not much, but a little. At least I was aware now, whereas before I didn’t even know I had a problem.
Be Honest with God
It wasn’t until a while ago that I decided to have several honest talks with God about the situation. I poured out my heart to him and listened to what he had to say to me. He began to show me where he was with me in my life when I thought I was alone. He showed me conversations that took place between my mother and me that I had forgotten about. Then he showed me in his word what he could do for me.
Of course, I asked for forgiveness for being rebellious against him, for being angry with him and my mother, and for carrying around all of this hurt when I didn’t have to. He showed me how he wanted to restore my soul. So now I’m in the process of having my soul restored. I say a process because sometimes, I go backwards and need his help to go forward.
Don’t Worship the Dead
The one thing that helps me is something he told me once. It was to stop worshipping the dead. When he said it I was shocked. I have in no way been worshipping the dead. What in the world was he talking about? So I asked him.
I looked up the word worship and one of its meanings is this: “to feel an adoring reverence or regard for (any person or thing); reverent honor and homage paid to god or a sacred personage.” I focused so much energy on my mother who was dead it was unbelievable.
I carried so much anger, so much pain it was indescribable, but people saw it in my eyes. I began to look, act, and sound like my mother. I began to take on her persona, but the Lord says I am to abide in him, not anyone else. He is the one that should be on my mind all the time. He is the one that I should be talking to, not my mother who couldn’t answer me.
Yahweh, the Restorer of My Soul
Once I realized what God was trying to show me and how my mother would not have wanted this for me I had to let my mother go. God showed me how to have a balance in my thinking and emotions for my mother. I began to heal.
Life is much better these days and God is still restoring my soul. But I am confident that the day will come when I will be totally restored. Until then I rest in him knowing that he will never leave me nor forsake, that he is a mother and father to the parentless, and that he is with me even until the ends of the world. Praise God.
Our Heavenly Father, who is in heaven,
Thank you for restoring my soul and leading me into the path of righteousness. If it wasn’t for you I would still be stuck in a continuous cycle of pain. Thank you for always being there for me. Help me to remember that you are always with me, even to the ends of the earth. I love you.
In Yeshua the Messiah’s name, Amen.
“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” (Hebrews 13:5 KJV)
“He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” (Psalms 23:3 KJV)
“Thou hast seen it; for thou beholdest mischief and spite, to requite it with thy hand: the poor committeth himself unto thee; thou art the helper of the fatherless.” (Psalms 10:14 KJV)
“A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation.” (Psalms 68:5 KJV)
“The LORD preserveth the strangers; he relieveth the fatherless and widow: but the way of the wicked he turneth upside down.” (Psalms 146:9 KJV)
“From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed : lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” (Psalms 61:2 KJV)
“By terrible things in righteousness wilt thou answer us, O God of our salvation; who art the confidence of all the ends of the earth, and of them that are afar off upon the sea:” (Psalms 65:5 KJV)